Q: You're a guy so maybe you know. Why do guys always want to act like they wanna be my boyfriend but then say they don't want a relationship? Like they're willing to do everything that a boyfriend does except commit! Help!
A: It's so funny that you're asking me this because I went through this EXACT same situation with my last ex! We were dating before but it didn't work out. Then a few months later we decided to give it another chance. But this time, he made it clear to me that he didn't wanna be in an official relationship again. However, he was staying over at my apartment every night, talking to me/texting on the phone all day, talking to me about everything and of course having sex with me. He even would get upset when I flirted with other guys. In my eyes, despite what he said when it first started, we were an official couple. But, in his eyes, he was still free to do whatever and WHOever he wanted and he made that quite clear when he decided to have sex with other people. When I found out about that, I flipped shit and showed my ass! But his defense was that "we aren't officially together."
That experience clearly illustrated the idea of him trying to "have his cake and eat it too" and I refuse to deal with that... as should you! Guys love the idea of being able to have the perks that come along with being a boyfriend without having to answer to you or be tied down to one person! Think about it...if you could have someone that's gonna be there for you whenever you want, hold you at night, be able to go on dates with you and support you in whatever which way BUT STILL have the freedom to go have sex with or be with someone else if you want to, wouldn't you jump on that opportunity too? It's a win/win situation for them and they could care less if you're the one that's "losing"!
It's simple...STOP ALLOWING MEN TO DO THIS TO YOU! There's obviously an issue if he doesn't want to commit to you so figure out what that issue is and get it addressed before you start playing like the good girlfriend! Make it clear to them that they can not have the benefits that come along with being your man if they are not willing to fully commit quite yet. Don't approach him with a Beyonce mentality though! You can not insist that he "put a ring on it" or go into it thinking that you're so "irreplaceable"! LoL but you do have the right to let him know you have boundaries, limits and standards that he needs to respect if he plans on being a part of your life. If he can't understand that, let him go because there is always someone out there that IS willing to be official with you!
Let's not get it twisted though. I know plenty of girls as well who try to play this game with guys! Ladies, the same rules apply to you! You can't enjoy the benefits that come along with being someone's girlfriend if you're not ready to commit to the guy who's treating you as such!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Cheaters: Who's to Blame?
Q: I was having a debate with a friend of mine recently because he said that if someone cheats on their boyfriend/girlfriend then it's the one who got cheated on's fault. But I say the cheater is ALWAYS to blame and the other person shouldn't feel guilty! What do you think?
A: Ok, naturally I will have to agree with you in saying that the cheater is always to blame. I say that solely because that person has purposely made that choice to have sex with someone outside of their relationship and so they are fully responsible no matter what their partner has done. However, I will also say that your friend may be on to something. Not to say that the person getting cheated on should feel guilty but they should be curious as to why their partner has decided to go for something outside of their relationship. Obviously there is something that their partner wants and is not getting from them (unless their partner is just a whore with commitment issues). And if your partner is not getting what they need from you, they will naturally have the desire to find it elsewhere. That doesn't excuse cheating at all though so they're still to blame!
It all comes down to communication. If someone is not getting what they need from their partner, they need to talk to their partner about that and explain exactly how they feel! Sometimes that can be awkward and difficult but it must be done for a relationship to be successful! And if you feel like you can't be completely faithful to one person completely yet, don't get into a relationship! Find you a good "friend with benefits" or boo. Being a whore is totally fine if that's your prerogative and you're single! But once you have a relationship, you are playing with someone's heart and that is no joke! Also people downplay "open relationships" but I think it's a credible solution for couples that feel like they just can not stay faithful sexually to each other but still want to be together (as long as both parties agree to this arrangement).
I will admit I've cheated numerous times and I'm certainly not proud of it. I think I did it simply because I liked the extra attention even when my boo wasn't around to give it to me. And, for some reason, whenever you're single no one wants you but as soon as you get a boo EVERYONE comes out the wood works trying to get with you!!! It just so happened that everytime I had a good boyfriend or girlfriend, someone new would come along and try to steal me away. During the times that I cheated, I was young and dumb and I didn't really appreciate the person I was with! That played a major part in it too. But I would never blame them. It was my fault and I accept that. If I could go back and do it again, I would definitely not have cheated!
A: Ok, naturally I will have to agree with you in saying that the cheater is always to blame. I say that solely because that person has purposely made that choice to have sex with someone outside of their relationship and so they are fully responsible no matter what their partner has done. However, I will also say that your friend may be on to something. Not to say that the person getting cheated on should feel guilty but they should be curious as to why their partner has decided to go for something outside of their relationship. Obviously there is something that their partner wants and is not getting from them (unless their partner is just a whore with commitment issues). And if your partner is not getting what they need from you, they will naturally have the desire to find it elsewhere. That doesn't excuse cheating at all though so they're still to blame!
It all comes down to communication. If someone is not getting what they need from their partner, they need to talk to their partner about that and explain exactly how they feel! Sometimes that can be awkward and difficult but it must be done for a relationship to be successful! And if you feel like you can't be completely faithful to one person completely yet, don't get into a relationship! Find you a good "friend with benefits" or boo. Being a whore is totally fine if that's your prerogative and you're single! But once you have a relationship, you are playing with someone's heart and that is no joke! Also people downplay "open relationships" but I think it's a credible solution for couples that feel like they just can not stay faithful sexually to each other but still want to be together (as long as both parties agree to this arrangement).
I will admit I've cheated numerous times and I'm certainly not proud of it. I think I did it simply because I liked the extra attention even when my boo wasn't around to give it to me. And, for some reason, whenever you're single no one wants you but as soon as you get a boo EVERYONE comes out the wood works trying to get with you!!! It just so happened that everytime I had a good boyfriend or girlfriend, someone new would come along and try to steal me away. During the times that I cheated, I was young and dumb and I didn't really appreciate the person I was with! That played a major part in it too. But I would never blame them. It was my fault and I accept that. If I could go back and do it again, I would definitely not have cheated!
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