Men Don't Hit Women...Or Do They?

               Because of recent events like the “bus driver/uppercut incident” this topic has been an ongoing conversation starter amongst people everywhere. Is the idea that men don’t hit women still relevant and true? Better question is…does it apply to every situation?

                My philosophy is and always has been this: When in a relationship of any kind (friend, girlfriend, wife, booty call, etc.) a man hitting a woman is totally unacceptable. However, when on the street and a female antagonizes, harasses or puts her hands on a male with the intention of fighting him first; that male has the right to and should hit that female back to defend himself.

                When in a relationship, the rules change for me because then it becomes an issue of domestic violence, which is something I am absolutely against. However, there are also rare exceptions to the rule. If the woman is constantly hitting the man without him retaliating, that woman is asking to get hit back eventually. And that man may be justified in that. I’ve seen women who physically abuse their boyfriend/husband and that is just as much domestic violence as it would be if the woman was the one getting hit.

                On the street, women go into situations thinking that men shouldn’t be allowed to hit them…no matter what they do to these men. And THAT is exactly where they go wrong. I’ve seen it time and time again so I know it happens. Girls get in guys’ faces yelling and screaming, hitting and pushing them and daring these guys to do something about it. Then they have the nerve to get upset when the guy actually does something. In these sort of situations, the guys are EXTREMELY justified! Girls you lose the right to be saved with the “men don’t hit women” philosophy when you start acting like a man and purposely pushing them to the limit. You deserve what you get and I have no pity for you!

                Now, there are times when a man is not in a relationship with a woman AND has not been antagonized at all by the woman but STILL decides to put hands on her with intentions of fighting. Why does this happen? It’s simple. People only hit, pick on/bully, attack those they feel are weaker than them. Generally it is assumed that women are weaker than men (even though I’ve witnessed the total opposite on multiple occasions). Therefore, there are men out there who only fight women and refuse to fight someone they think could be actual competition…other men! These men typically pull out guns or weapons when it comes to altercations with other men. They are the kind of men…excuse me. These are the kind of BOYS that should be avoided for relationships of any kind.

                To summarize it, men should not be hitting women. BUT if these women choose to act like and antagonize the men, then they are asking to get hit like one. Simple as that. That’s exactly what I will teach my children and continue to believe.

Attention Black People: Racist?

            It has been on my mind so heavy lately because I’ve been seeing so many situations related to this issue. So I have to say this…ATTENTION BLACK PEOPLE! YOU COULD BE CONSIDERED RACIST TOO! And a lot of your actions would actually support the idea that you are, believe it or not! I have to speak on this idea in general as well as how it relates to the use of the word “nigga” and even touch on the election.

Black people in general consistently do racist things and think it’s okay but then make a huge deal when racism comes from the other end. For example, let’s think about things that are commonly said by black people. Your racist comments can be as small as saying things like “That’s such a white girl thing” in reference to a girl falling in a horror movie to as big as blatantly calling white people “crackers” or “honkies” (which is not as common anymore but still has relevance). Using terms like “stupid; crazy; dirty; snobby/stuck-up; etc.” in reference to describing white people (which are all things that I’ve heard more than once by the way) is racist! If you seriously think about it, black people say negative things about other races all the time and don’t think twice about it. It’s still racism!

And it’s not just towards white people. Think about some of the stereotypes and associations that many black people have for other races. Not all Asians are Chinese; not all Hispanics are Mexican; not everyone from the Middle-East is Arab (which is pronounced “air-rub” not “ay-rabb”). And that’s just the beginning. I’ve heard even worse things than that in reference to other races. But those same people who say these things get so offended at the stereotypes of black people. Language is just the beginning though. There are even black people who treat other races (specifically white people) negatively different in public situations than they would another black person. But if a white person did that, what would you call them?

Also, I really want black people to stop playing the race card for every situation. Yes, racism does still exist and I certainly acknowledge and understand that. However, it is NOT the cause of every single problem that you’re having in society as a black person. For example, I’ve heard people say they didn’t get a particular job because of their race when in reality they just weren’t qualified. I’ve even seen people have a bad attitude with someone of another race for no reason at all and then, when the person returns the bad attitude, call that racism. It just really gets to me because I hate that so many black people have this “victim of society” mentality even when it’s not present or relevant.

I remember an argument I had with a girl years ago. She tried to explain to me that because of the history between blacks and whites, she should be allowed to treat white people badly. She mentioned slavery and the civil rights movement and she was so passionate about this anger she had towards whites. But I had to ask her what struggle she PERSONALLY went through as a black woman and…she didn’t have an answer! My mind was boggled by the idea that she honestly felt like she had the right to treat white people this way solely based on what happened to her ancestors years and years ago! I tried to explain to her that she was taking this inappropriate anger out on people who had no part in what happened to her ancestors. And I called it inappropriate because she was upset about something that didn’t even happen to her…or her parents…or even her grandparents! Come on now!

I don’t like to discuss politics because that is one of those touchy subjects (along with religion) that I try to avoid BUT I have to say that this election certainly brought a lot of racist attitudes to the surface. I can not tell you how many people I know who voted for Obama solely based on the fact that he’s considered African-American. Although there were so many reasons to either support or oppose Obama, I have spoken with several of his “supporters” who’ve boldly stated to me that his race was the ONLY cause of their vote choice. Some others didn’t directly say it but certainly suggested it by their lack of knowledge on politics and the facts of his campaign. And to make it worse, so many people were talking about how racist some Romney supporters were because of their comments on Obama, but then made equally offensive comments about Romney. No matter what your political views are, you have to understand that not everyone agrees with or sees things your way and it’s not always based on race. Some people legitimately felt like Romney was a good candidate for their own personal situations. But enough of that. Just wanted to touch on that and get it off my chest!

Lastly I’ll briefly address the infamous “N-word.” I’ve been asked on more than one occasion if I would be offended if a white person called me “nigga” in a non-demeaning sense and people are always shocked by my answer. I say “No. I would be shocked but definitely not offended.” When asked why I feel that way I explain to them that I use the term “nigga” when addressing certain people and I accept being called that as well so why shouldn’t they (whites) be allowed to say it to me? Many people respond by saying that if you’re not black, you shouldn’t be allowed to say it. My question is: Why? Responses like that make it sound like being called “nigga” is a privilege. And when I frame it that way, it gets people thinking! So my challenge to you is to simply think about it all. Think about what part, if any, that you play in the racism of today’s society. Are you part of the solution…or the problem? Honestly?

Who's Really Raising Your Child?

            The second issue I wanna talk about is somewhat related to my last entry. I’ve continuously heard parents say things about television and music influencing their children and…it really annoys me! Recently, I met one parent who wouldn’t let their child watch Spongebob Squarepants because they thought it was “too inappropriate.” I’ve heard another parent say they’re child couldn’t listen to the song “Baby Got Back” (which has been featured in everything from commercials to tv shows to movies like “Charlie’s Angels” and “Shrek”) because it was “too inappropriate” for them. In both cases I became very annoyed with the conversation because all I kept thinking was…”are you serious?!?” And both parents mentioned influence on their children and their behaviors. Now, I would be more understanding if these things were more…negative (like images of a strip club or songs encouraging drug use). But Spongebob Squarepants??? I might be missing something but…isn’t that a CHILDREN’s show?

                Maybe it’s just me but when I was growing up, there were so many songs, movies and tv shows that could be considered inappropriate for children to see. However, I still managed to be exposed to these things and I still never went out and actually imitated what I’d observed. My parents firmly instilled in me the idea that music, movies and television are entertainment methods and should never be confused with how you should behave in real life. I was taught that no matter what you see or hear, there are still rules to follow and your entertainment methods should not be an excuse or validation should you choose to go out and do something stupid. I think that’s the issue today. Too many parents are letting their children be raised by television and radios instead of actually teaching them what’s right and wrong. And when their child does something that’s considered inappropriate, the parent blames the entertainment source asserting that they must have been improperly influenced to do it. I don’t get it. I guess I’m biased because my parents were very easygoing and not as strict. But, at the same time, they still managed to raise me properly to behave in an acceptable manner.

                On a side note, another part of the issue is that a lot of people have become so judgmental and quick to believe anything they hear that they are actually believing things that aren’t true. For example, I once saw a video on YouTube that tried to push the idea that all Disney movies have a sexual subtext or drug reference in them. The story had become so popular that people were actually saying they believed it enough to stop letting their children watch Disney movies. Now seriously, do you really think that people make these cartoons FOR CHILDREN and purposely put those type of things in them to secretly manipulate your children’s brains?!?  Another example is how people have made popular characters like Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street appear to be gay, or doing things that the average child wouldn’t even consider. These two characters were simply friends/roommates and were part of a show that was meant to educate and entertain children of all ages. BUT, because some ignorant person decided to start the rumor that they were gay all along, now I hear an endless amount of people say they truly believe Bert and Ernie are gay characters. They’re children’s characters for crying out loud! Get a clue people!

                Back to the main point of this…parents please take the time to explain to your children the difference between what they see in tv/movies or hear in music and what is acceptable in reality. It’s that simple. If I acted out based on everything I saw and heard as a child (from movies like “Players Club” to shows like “In Living Color” and songs like “Push It”) I would be one wild human being! I even observed people in my childhood cursing like sailors, having sex on a regular basis and doing all sorts of drugs. But my mother and father let me know that that was unacceptable for me to imitate and therefore I grew up knowing how to act! Take note and know that these children shows are meant to entertain and sometimes educate your child…not raise them! It’s your job to be the proper influence and allow them to see the difference between reality and entertainment! Your child should be able to see the most inappropriate thing in the world and still know how to act appropriately based on what you have taught them!

p.s. Everything you don’t expose them to now, they’re gonna want to explore later…with or without you!

The Reality of...Reality TV

I wanted to touch on two different things that are somewhat related and equally bothering me!

The first is all the negative talk about reality tv shows. In particular, I continue to hear negative talk about shows like Basketball Wives, Love & Hip-Hop and Bad Girls Club (all of which are shows that I watch faithfully). People keep saying things like “those shows are garbage; they depict black women in a negative light; they are embarrassing themselves; etc.” My response to that is this: Why don’t people take these shows for what they really are…entertainment? When I watch these shows, I see it solely as entertainment and I’d even go as far as to say I consider it all to be fictional entertainment. It’s called “reality tv” because it shows real people interacting in real settings. However, I never would think the situations are 100% real or the things that take place are truly realistic.

I think these women put on a show for the cameras and entertain the audience, which is their job when they are cast for these shows. We have to face the fact that the negativity and drama is what keeps an audience engaged and money in their pockets. I remember I was watching a particular show that was known for keeping the drama going. But whenever there was an episode that didn’t have as much drama, people would say things like “oh, that was boring!" I remember another reality show that was new and, because there was no drama in it, people naturally had no interest in it. The cast of that show were professionals and maintained positive activity but America simply had no interest in it! Why is that?

I don’t know why people are naturally drawn to the negativity on tv but it’s…the reality of our people. Please understand though that these shows are often staged, situations are put together by producers and things happen on these shows that we all know would not really happen if there were no cameras around. So why bash these people and these shows? Just like any other actor or performer, they are putting on a show for the entertainment of the masses. If you’re not entertained (or even interested) then quit watching it, quit discussing it and quit bringing it up! These shows should not be regarded or criticized any more than a dramatic or violent film would be. While you’re talking so negatively about these women and these shows, they’re still making thousands of dollars (if not more) and living their lives as professional business women and entertainers.

Hiding on Social Networks?

I've been seeing this for years and I have never understood it so I have begun to ask around. Why is it that people join social networks but keep their profiles super private or locked? Or why do people make it so that no one is able to find them on these social networks? Isn't the point of a social network for you to socialize, meet new people and keep in touch with people that you don't see everyday? Here's what I have to say about this....

If you're going to be on these social networks, no one says that you HAVE to put every single detail of your life on the site. For me, there are certain things that I would never share on Facebook and there are other things that I would never say on Twitter. However, if I do choose to share it on either site, then I do not care about who sees it! IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE IT OR KNOW YOUR BUSINESS DON'T PUT IT ON THE SITE!!!! You would think that's simple and easy to understand but apparently people don't get that!

Some people say they do it because they don't want their jobs to see their pages and risk their jobs. But, just so you know, if your job really wanted to see what was on your page(s), they could certainly find ways to get past all the filters and locks that you think keep you so safe! There is software out there that can give them access to anything they want to see no matter what you have locked or hidden! And a lot of times, the jobs are not actually looking into your information. It's your co-workers who you think are your friends that go around laughing and joking about what you are posting and that's how your business is getting back to your supervisors!

Some other people say they do it because they have family or professionals on their friends list that they don't want to see their page. Well, here's what I want to know...why even approve them onto your friends list if you know you post things that you wouldn't want them to see? Did they put a gun to your head and say "approve my friend request"?!? Along with that, please understand that if someone really wanted to see the things on your profile, they don't have to necessarily be your friend! Sometimes people will know someone who's your friend and is on your friends list so they can just ask to see your profile from that person's page. I had a friend who would get on my computer to log in from my Facebook just to spy on one of the people that I was friends with on Facebook without that person knowing that my friend was spying on them. It's that easy!!!

The point of it all is this: If you don't want people to know or see something about you, just don't put it on a social network. Instead of trying to "hide" on these social networks, just be more careful of what you say and do so you will have no worries! I have been on Facebook since 2005 and I have NEVER had my page locked. Same applies to Twitter. If I put it out there, I don't care who sees it or what they have to say. That's the way everyone should feel about it!

Have Your Cake And Eat It Too? Not If You My Boo

Q: You're a guy so maybe you know. Why do guys always want to act like they wanna be my boyfriend but then say they don't want a relationship? Like they're willing to do everything that a boyfriend does except commit! Help!

A: It's so funny that you're asking me this because I went through this EXACT same situation with my last ex! We were dating before but it didn't work out. Then a few months later we decided to give it another chance. But this time, he made it clear to me that he didn't wanna be in an official relationship again. However, he was staying over at my apartment every night, talking to me/texting on the phone all day, talking to me about everything and of course having sex with me. He even would get upset when I flirted with other guys. In my eyes, despite what he said when it first started, we were an official couple. But, in his eyes, he was still free to do whatever and WHOever he wanted and he made that quite clear when he decided to have sex with other people. When I found out about that, I flipped shit and showed my ass! But his defense was that "we aren't officially together."

That experience clearly illustrated the idea of him trying to "have his cake and eat it too" and I refuse to deal with that... as should you! Guys love the idea of being able to have the perks that come along with being a boyfriend without having to answer to you or be tied down to one person! Think about it...if you could have someone that's gonna be there for you whenever you want, hold you at night, be able to go on dates with you and support you in whatever which way BUT STILL have the freedom to go have sex with or be with someone else if you want to, wouldn't you jump on that opportunity too? It's a win/win situation for them and they could care less if you're the one that's "losing"!

It's simple...STOP ALLOWING MEN TO DO THIS TO YOU! There's obviously an issue if he doesn't want to commit to you so figure out what that issue is and get it addressed before you start playing like the good girlfriend! Make it clear to them that they can not have the benefits that come along with being your man if they are not willing to fully commit quite yet. Don't approach him with a Beyonce mentality though! You can not insist that he "put a ring on it" or go into it thinking that you're so "irreplaceable"! LoL but you do have the right to let him know you have boundaries, limits and standards that he needs to respect if he plans on being a part of your life. If he can't understand that, let him go because there is always someone out there that IS willing to be official with you!

Let's not get it twisted though. I know plenty of girls as well who try to play this game with guys! Ladies, the same rules apply to you! You can't enjoy the benefits that come along with being someone's girlfriend if you're not ready to commit to the guy who's treating you as such!

Cheaters: Who's to Blame?

Q: I was having a debate with a friend of mine recently because he said that if someone cheats on their boyfriend/girlfriend then it's the one who got cheated on's fault. But I say the cheater is ALWAYS to blame and the other person shouldn't feel guilty! What do you think?

A: Ok, naturally I will have to agree with you in saying that the cheater is always to blame. I say that solely because that person has purposely made that choice to have sex with someone outside of their relationship and so they are fully responsible no matter what their partner has done. However, I will also say that your friend may be on to something. Not to say that the person getting cheated on should feel guilty but they should be curious as to why their partner has decided to go for something outside of their relationship. Obviously there is something that their partner wants and is not getting from them (unless their partner is just a whore with commitment issues). And if your partner is not getting what they need from you, they will naturally have the desire to find it elsewhere. That doesn't excuse cheating at all though so they're still to blame!

It all comes down to communication. If someone is not getting what they need from their partner, they need to talk to their partner about that and explain exactly how they feel! Sometimes that can be awkward and difficult but it must be done for a relationship to be successful! And if you feel like you can't be completely faithful to one person completely yet, don't get into a relationship! Find you a good "friend with benefits" or boo. Being a whore is totally fine if that's your prerogative and you're single! But once you have a relationship, you are playing with someone's heart and that is no joke! Also people downplay "open relationships" but I think it's a credible solution for couples that feel like they just can not stay faithful sexually to each other but still want to be together (as long as both parties agree to this arrangement).

I will admit I've cheated numerous times and I'm certainly not proud of it. I think I did it simply because I liked the extra attention even when my boo wasn't around to give it to me. And, for some reason, whenever you're single no one wants you but as soon as you get a boo EVERYONE comes out the wood works trying to get with you!!! It just so happened that everytime I had a good boyfriend or girlfriend, someone new would come along and try to steal me away. During the times that I cheated, I was young and dumb and I didn't really appreciate the person I was with! That played a major part in it too. But I would never blame them. It was my fault and I accept that. If I could go back and do it again, I would definitely not have cheated!